how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
