we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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