I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
