I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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