WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
