Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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