Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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