I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
