Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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