I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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