My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
