i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
