: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
