the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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