Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this hospital has no fireball
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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