Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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