If that was your dad, he is hot
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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