ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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