just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
