6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
