I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
