dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
