Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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