I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
