When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
