Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
