oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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