dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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