my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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