I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
