She is in my trunk
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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