Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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