if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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