Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
