There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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