After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
