When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Pants are for mortals
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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