I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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