my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
