I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
