I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
