You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
