if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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