Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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