Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
