So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
