i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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