I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
