Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
