what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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