I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I look better un-naked...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
