I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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