Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
