Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
