my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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