So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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