Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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