I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
